ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
every single time
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is