ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new