Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying