Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Finally, a door that understands me
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Is this a threat?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.