Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Look, a pure bread cat!
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Personal question. #JustSaying
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts