Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.