“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
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That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
her: what are you doing on your phone?
me: an update
her: what update?
me: not much, what up with you
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me: what makes you angry
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first