Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

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“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines


Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’


They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.


Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.


Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!


Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?


[on date]

her: what are you doing on your phone?

me: an update

her: what update?

me: not much, what up with you


*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*