Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter