@GorillaNipples1

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

@T_Bonezzz_

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

@AmandaRNH

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@djdarrellripley

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

@daemonic3

[on date]

her: what are you doing on your phone?

me: an update

her: what update?

me: not much, what up with you

@ingmarbirdman

*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*