@GorillaNipples1
@daemonic3
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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@daemonic3
@T_Bonezzz_
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
@UnFitz
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
@AmandaRNH
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
@bylinetd
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
@djdarrellripley
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
@daemonic3
[on date]
her: what are you doing on your phone?
me: an update
her: what update?
me: not much, what up with you
@ingmarbirdman
*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
@TweetPotato314
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
@bornmiserable
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first