Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good