me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
You Might Also Like
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
October 31
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet