Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.