Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.