me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this![]()
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going