me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
You Might Also Like
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
That lamp looks PISSED.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls