me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.