me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
giddy up Office Depot
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Sheep
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts