Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

can you read it!!??

maan!

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts