Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My life coach traded me.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir