Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.