ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.