Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.