Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

this is uni

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…