Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.