Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

first responders? you mean reply guys?

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato