Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Me when I hear gossip

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*