Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people