Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.