Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

damn he’s good

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.