Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
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The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too