Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

#catsoftwitter

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl