Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
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Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.