Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.