Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
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When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Mhm.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?