Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
You Might Also Like
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Nose
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Every haunted house movie:
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
There’s no “us” in nachos.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
How do dragons blow out candles?