Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not