Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Oh my God.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.