Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Europe. Made in Germany.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.