Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

j o i m p

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.