Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally