Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
This is a true ally.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
The cashier just checked me out.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
pep talk
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time