Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

.. do you even science?

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

😭😭

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason