Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.


Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.


*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.


Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot


Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough


scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure?

scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math


The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.


Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!


[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry


[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?