@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

You Might Also Like

@ningella

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

@FeverFlave

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

@meganamram

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

@meganamram

Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough

@themiltron

scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure?

scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math

@UncleDuke1969

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

@marcia_bee

Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!

@Dawn_M_

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?