Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

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“What’s today?”

Normal people: Sunday….

Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.


I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.


at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl


(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)


ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss


I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.


Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.


[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath