Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.