People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough
scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure?
scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?