@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

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@realesttobi

“What’s today?”

Normal people: Sunday….

Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.

@causticbob

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

@DanMentos

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

@sip_at_home_mom

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

@iamjeffsloan

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

@david8hughes

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath