Normal people: Sunday….
Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.
Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Doesn’t seem very hygienic.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
And then God made Saturn.
And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.