Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section