Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

so much to do

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.