Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

There is wisdom there.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.