Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

My fantasy football season is going great

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.