Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

For when Tinder doesn’t work

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Finally, an instrument I can play!