Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….