Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.