Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
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My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE