Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
spot the difference
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Someone just threatened to call me later
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…