Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
#milo
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*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Muppet Screams
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.