Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Selfie

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order