Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale