Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

My dog ate my work from home.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

My purse is deeper than some people.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

jesus christ confetti not now

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon