Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”