Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
You Might Also Like
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
It do be feeling this way.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR