Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Meanwhile in Canada…
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
