Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
good work, detective
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
