Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“I took care of your clown problem.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!