Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EAlOkqcWwAAWMu-.mp4

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.