Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen