Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!