Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?