ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
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2023 was just a warmup
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.