ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
