ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.