Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
You Might Also Like
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]