Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is