@mortimermaiden

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

@HatfieldAnne

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

@UnFitz

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

@HeyJennyLeone

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

@VodkaDietSoda

The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.

@iamspacegirl

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*