Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
You Might Also Like
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?