Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember


Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.


[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.


You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.


Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.


You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.


Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.


The second I sense someone about to ask for a bite of what I’m eating, I immediately shove the whole damn thing in my mouth & look baffled.


*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*