Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.