me doing my best
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Are you ok, human???
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?