me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
August 8
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.