me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks