me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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Ovenable?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!