Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?