me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Yup.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.