me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Labreador
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks